i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize