my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
