Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
