my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
