i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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