he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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