Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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