he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
