in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
