I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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