my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
