The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
