if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
