I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
