Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
