You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
