You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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