I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Acid is not a monday night drug
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
