the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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