The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
