For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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