Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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