Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
