Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
