And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
