The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
