1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Randomize
