You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
