I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
