My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
a search helicopter?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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