I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You can't special order awesome
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
