This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
