You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize