i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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