I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize