wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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