i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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