I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
