the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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