I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
