Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
