there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
