I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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