weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i think i have two assholes
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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