She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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