i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize