brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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