guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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