Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
