I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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