mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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