Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
