and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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