i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's never too late to be topless.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
