I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
