I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
