On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
