Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
