The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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