So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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