You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
