he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
