I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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